Are you an Autistic adult who is married or thinking about being married? Well, marriage can be amazing, but let’s be real—every couple faces challenges. And for Autistic adults, those challenges can sometimes feel overwhelming and can lead to an unhappy marriage if not a divorce.
- Autistic individuals are 2.8 times more likely to get divorced than neurotypical individuals.
- Autistic-neurotypical couples have an 80% higher divorce rate than neurotypical-neurotypical couples.
However, you can beat the odds because the challenges of marriage for an Autistic person are not impossible to overcome!
A big challenge in any marriage is the misunderstandings caused by different communication styles such as our need for direct communication vs our partner relaying on subtle cues.
For those of us who prefer, or need, direct communication, we should encourage open and direct communication. Try saying something like “I need clarity on this” or “please be direct with me”
In my case, I have a tendency to take things literally. So when my wife says something to me I tell her what it means to me and then if that is not what she meant she will correct what she has said so it comes across to me the way she meant it.
Additionally, use “check ins” to discuss emotions and expectations. Try staring a check in conversation with “Hey, can we take a few minutes to check in with each other?”, “I’d like to talk about how we’re doing—when’s a good time?” or “How have you been feeling about our relationship this week?”
For complex communication, you may want to consider written communication such as text or emails. This strategy has several benefits: for you it can give you the time you need to process what your partner is saying and for the both of you it could slow down the conversations so no one says something that they may regret later.
Sensory differences and our need for personal space
For many of us sensory overload, differing needs for affection, touch and personal space can present challenges in our marriage.
Some strategies you may wish to use include:
- Setting boundaries around personal space and alone time.
- Use a sensory friendly approach to intimacy. This could look like dimming of the lighting, the use of soft fabrics, and choosing the right time for closeness.
Most importantly, you should communicate your sensory needs with your spouse to avoid misunderstandings and unintentional conflicts.
Emotional Processing & Conflict Resolution
It is possible in your marriage there will be differences in emotional expression. This occurs when one person processes emotions internally while the other seeks an immediate discussion of emotions.
This challenge can be addressed by agreeing on a conflict-resolution strategy. Ideally this should be done before any serious conflicts. For best results when a conflict occurs, try to take a break before discussing the conflict.
Additionally, use “I” statements. Try saying “I feel overwhelmed and need a break” instead. “You always overwhelm me!” This slight difference may de-escalate a conflict before it becomes unmanageable.
It is okay for you to have a method for when emotions get too intense. This could involve writing down your thoughts and feelings before talking with your spouse.
Routine & Flexibility in Marriage
For many of us on the spectrum, me included, routines are important to us. However, in a marriage flexibility may be needed if not a necessity for a marriage to work.
This may be a challenge if you thrive on routine while your spouse prefers spontaneity.
The good news is that this challenge can be managed if not overcome in a marriage by one word – compromise.
When I say compromise, I am not just talking about you. Compromise is a 2 way street meaning that both you and your spouse must be willing to compromise.
Compromising can star by planning “structured spontaneity” Structured spontaneity can look like setting a date night but keeping the activity a surprise.
Be sure when you are discussing compromise with your spouse, you discuss non-negotiable routines vs. areas for flexibility.
Navigating Social Expectations & Family Dynamics
Another difficult part of any marriage is the challenge of dealing, social obligations or differences in comfort levels in social settings and with in-laws
To address your level of comfort in social settings, create a clear “Exit plan” for overwhelming events and be sure to share that plan with your spouse – or better yet you and your spouse should develop a plan together.
While discussing your exit plan with your spouse, be sure to share, if not set, social expectations in advance. Try saying “I’ll stay at the party for one hour, then I need to leave”.
In-laws can be challenging. However you can try, when you are comfortable, educating your spouses family about Autism to foster understanding. However, for some of us on the spectrum, it may be easier if our spouse starts the conversation with his or her family as he or she knows them better. It might be best if both of you share how Autism challenges you and how the both of you overcome those challenges to foster their understanding of Autism.
I do not want to scare you about marriage and being on the spectrum. In my case I have been happily married since 2003 to my dream girl and marriage, although it has been challenging at time for the both of us, has been the best thing that happened to me. I can not imagine what my life would have been life if my wife was not in it.
The important things that you need to remember about marriage is not about being perfect. Marriage is about understanding, adapting, and growing together and that is done through open and honest communication.
