Valentine’s Day comes with many societal expectations, especially if you are involved in a relationship. These expectations often clash with the everyday challenges we face as Autistic adults.
Let’s face it! Valentine’s Day can be difficult for many Autistic adults for several reasons. The degrees of difficulty can range from a little inconvenience to wanting to dig a hole and climb into it. The level of difficulty you experience depends on individual experiences and sensitivities.
Here are some common challenges that we encounter on Valentine’s Day:
1. Social Expectations & Pressure
Valentine’s Day often comes with a lot of unspoken social rules—what to say, how to express love, what gifts are “appropriate,” and how to act in relationships. For us Autistic adults who struggle with social norms or have difficulty reading between the lines, this can feel overwhelming or frustrating.
2. Sensory Overload
Traditional activities for Valentine’s Day often involve being with others in crowded restaurants with noisy crowds and possibly loud music, giving or receiving a gift of strong-smelling flowers, and physical affection—any one of these things can cause sensory overload for someone with sensory sensitivities. Even red and pink everywhere can feel visually overstimulating!
3. Difficulty with Emotional Expression
You may have trouble expressing emotions in ways that your neurotypical partner expects from you including feeling pressured to be extra romantic, say the “right” things, or show love in ways that don’t feel natural to you, which can cause stress or misunderstandings between yourself and your partner.
4. Feeling Left Out or Different
if you are alone on valentine’s day and irregardless of whether you want to be in a relationship or not, Valentine’s Day can amplify feelings of loneliness. Valentine’s Day can feel like the world is celebrating something you don’t have and that you don’t connect with, leading to feelings of isolation.
5. Unclear Communication in Relationships
Like many Autistic adults, you may prefer clear, direct communication, but Valentine’s Day often relies on subtle cues, hints, or expectations that aren’t explicitly stated. If a partner expects a surprise or a specific type of romantic gesture but doesn’t communicate it directly, it can lead to misunderstandings or feelings of disappointment by your partner because you did not fulfill their expectations and you may feel disappointment because you let your partner down.
6. Dislike of Change or Unpredictability
Valentine’s Day, like many other special occasions, often means a break from routine. This could look like having to try a new restaurant, going on a surprise date, or dealing with last-minute changes. If you are an Autistic adult who thrives on structure, this can be stressful rather than enjoyable.
Making Valentine’s Day More Comfortable
All is not lost. You can make Valentine’s Day more comfortable by taking the following actions:
- Redefine the day – It doesn’t have to be about romance! It can be a day for self-care, friendship, or celebrating what brings you joy.
- Communicate your needs clearly – If in a relationship, discussing expectations by both parties ahead of time can help reduce stress.
- Avoid overwhelming environments – Celebrating in a quiet, familiar space might make the day more enjoyable.
- Skip it if it doesn’t work for you – There’s no rule that says everyone has to celebrate Valentine’s Day!
