When do you tell someone you’re autistic when dating? First date? After a few months? Never?
Many of us on the spectrum, especially those of us who are late-diagnosed or self-identify as Autistic—struggle with when and how to disclose our Autism in relationships.
When to share your Autism status
The truth is that there is no universal rule or “one-size-fits-all” answer. Sharing you are Autistic with your romantic partner can feel overwhelming, especially if we have faced rejection, misunderstandings, or stigma in the past
The timing really depends on your comfort level, the stage your relationship is at, and the person you’re with.
Some suggested times include:
- Before the first date (especially for online dating)
- After a few dates, when there’s a connection
- When the relationship starts getting serious
- When challenges arise that make it necessary.
Some people never disclose, and that is also an option. However, by disclosing that you are on the spectrum you can and will be building self-confidence along with additional benefits to yourself.
How to share your Autism
The first thing to take into consideration is choosing a comfortable setting. Consider a quiet, private place where you can tak without distraction. I suggest a mutual place where you feel comfortable.
When you share your Autism status, be sure to be direct but positive. For example you could start the conversation by saying “I want to share something important with you because I trust you. I’m Autistic, which means my brain works a little differently.”
When you share your Autism status with your partner and knowing that Autism is a spectrum and each of us experiences Autism differently, be prepared to share examples of how Autism challenges you, what you do to overcome those challenges, and if the partner asks, share with them how they can help you overcome your Autism challenges.
While sharing your Autism challenges, be specific. Instead of saying “I struggle with social cues,” give an example of how it shows up in your life.
When you do share your Autism status, be prepared for questions. Your partner may not be familiar with Autism or have misconceptions, be ready to explain to the best of your ability. Remember, you do not need to be an expert at Autism, so do not make up an answer. When a question comes up that you do not know the answer, you could say something like “I am still learning about Autism myself and I will try to find an answer for you” (and keep your word)
Also, your partner may not have any questions, and you should prepare yourself for that as well.
Be sure to allow your partner time to process that you are on the spectrum. It is okay if they need time to understand what you have just told them. Remember, you may not have fully accepted you were Autistic when you first discovered you were on the spectrum.
The most important thing you must do is to share your Autism status with confidence. Be sure to exhibit confidence in who you are. Remember, when you share your Autism status you should be embracing Autism, not apologizing for it.
There are 3 main types of reactions you should be prepared for when you share your Autism status and they are supportive, neutral, or negative.
When your partner asks you questions about Autism to better understand what Autism is and how it challenges you. you are likely experiencing supportive reaction.
When your partner acknowledges what you said but does not ask you any questions, this can be either supportive (because they are processing what you said), neutral or it could be a negative reaction. Be mindful not to jump to any conclusion. Instead, you ask them if they have any questions or tell them if they have any questions they can ask at any time. I would be cautious to ask them at that moment if this news changes how they feel about you. They could give you a negative reaction because they are processing.
If your partner dismisses or judges you when you share your Autism status, this is a clear sign you are experiencing a negative reaction.
Reacting to negative responses
The important thing you must remember when you experience a negative reaction to your Autism status is that the reaction says more about the person who is reacting negatively than it is about who you are.
I want you to remember that you are an amazing person and part of what makes you amazing person is your Autism. It gives you a unique view in the world and many super powers. You deserve someone who respects you for who you are and will be supportive of all of your endeavors in life, including the challenges Autism places in your life.
Never settle for anything less than what you deserve or compromise your values just to be in a relationship.
Sharing is a confidence builder
Disclosing your Autism status with your partner may be a very vulnerable moment, however it can help you build confidence, not just in yourself, but when you receive a supportive response, you will feel more confident that you are in the right relationship.
Additionally, when you share your Autism status, you are encouraging healthy communication in the relationship which can help the relationship grow. This is because every successful relationship thrives on honesty and trust.
